I am not, I confess, a brave man. I’m not a coward, but I’m also not like “brave” you know?
I like to think I’m a smart man; or at least I’m smart enough to know that while I’m talented at some things, there’s other things I’m not so good at. I’m left-handed so I wouldn’t enter myself into a can opening contest as they’re not engineered with lefties in mind. But I’ve played trombone for 15 years and played in LSU’s band so if there was a trombone-off I feel like I’d at least place.
So between my knowledge and lack of nerve, I came to a conclusion recently: I do not, under any circumstance, want to be in a situation where Zion Williamson is posting me up.
Look what Zion has done to grown-ass men that play basketball for a living. Then imagine me being on the receiving end of all that abuse.
Since debuting on January 22, Zion has been a force on the low block. The beefy No. 1 overall pick has used his imposing size to bully opponents smaller than him, and used his rare blend of speed and nimble footwork to out-maneuver forwards and centers that have inches on him. In fact, a Zion post up is the most efficient play in basketball, scoring 1.37 points per play.
Most points per play this season— Paul Hembekides (@PaulHembo) February 20, 2020
Zion Williamson postup (1.37)
James Harden iso (1.30)
Luka Doncic iso (1.25)
LeBron James iso (1.24)
That's how good he is already.
But I don’t need advanced metrics to know that if for some reason I was being tasked with trying to stop Zion, I’d end up on the ground and probably crying a little.
After doing some soul searching, here is a comprehensive list of things I would rather do than try and stop Zion down low.
- Find out how hard I’d have to hit myself with a shovel to get a concussion
- Skydive, only when I pull the cord, an anvil comes out
- Reread The Great Gatsby
- Get between a mama bear and her cubs
- Get run over by a train
- Be a Knicks fan
- Watch the last Game of Thrones season again
- Watch The Minneapolis Miracle
- Watch The No-Call in the NFC Championship Game
- Really, re-watch any of the last few Saints playoff losing moments
- Get catfished
- Get recruited into a pyramid scheme
- Have Coach O take over Alabama
- Get mauled by a puma
- Get kicked by a donkey
- Take a punch from peak-Mike Tyson
- Take a punch from anyone even remotely close to my size
- Take a punch from literally anyone
So, in conclusion, Fred Vinson, Jamelle McMillan or any other Pelicans coach, I ask you to please not invite me to spar with Zion. I would very much not like to do that at all. Let’s leave that chore to NBA players, many of whom I’m sure wouldn’t mind joining me on the sidelines.
Przerażenie Antoniego Brewki pic.twitter.com/16Pi9JPAt9— Jakub Kacprzak (@kuba_kacprzak) February 26, 2020