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A List of Things I Would Rather Do Instead of Trying to Defend a Zion Williamson Post Up

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Please don’t put me on a poster, Zion

NBA: New Orleans Pelicans at Golden State Warriors Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

I am not, I confess, a brave man. I’m not a coward, but I’m also not like “brave” you know?

I like to think I’m a smart man; or at least I’m smart enough to know that while I’m talented at some things, there’s other things I’m not so good at. I’m left-handed so I wouldn’t enter myself into a can opening contest as they’re not engineered with lefties in mind. But I’ve played trombone for 15 years and played in LSU’s band so if there was a trombone-off I feel like I’d at least place.

So between my knowledge and lack of nerve, I came to a conclusion recently: I do not, under any circumstance, want to be in a situation where Zion Williamson is posting me up.

Look what Zion has done to grown-ass men that play basketball for a living. Then imagine me being on the receiving end of all that abuse.

Since debuting on January 22, Zion has been a force on the low block. The beefy No. 1 overall pick has used his imposing size to bully opponents smaller than him, and used his rare blend of speed and nimble footwork to out-maneuver forwards and centers that have inches on him. In fact, a Zion post up is the most efficient play in basketball, scoring 1.37 points per play.

But I don’t need advanced metrics to know that if for some reason I was being tasked with trying to stop Zion, I’d end up on the ground and probably crying a little.

After doing some soul searching, here is a comprehensive list of things I would rather do than try and stop Zion down low.

  • Find out how hard I’d have to hit myself with a shovel to get a concussion
  • Skydive, only when I pull the cord, an anvil comes out
  • Reread The Great Gatsby
  • Get between a mama bear and her cubs
  • Get run over by a train
  • Be a Knicks fan
  • Watch the last Game of Thrones season again
  • Watch The Minneapolis Miracle
  • Watch The No-Call in the NFC Championship Game
  • Really, re-watch any of the last few Saints playoff losing moments
  • Get catfished
  • Get recruited into a pyramid scheme
  • Have Coach O take over Alabama
  • Get mauled by a puma
  • Get kicked by a donkey
  • Take a punch from peak-Mike Tyson
  • Take a punch from anyone even remotely close to my size
  • Take a punch from literally anyone

So, in conclusion, Fred Vinson, Jamelle McMillan or any other Pelicans coach, I ask you to please not invite me to spar with Zion. I would very much not like to do that at all. Let’s leave that chore to NBA players, many of whom I’m sure wouldn’t mind joining me on the sidelines.