Hey, the day of Dell anxiety is upon us. We’ve rarely made it to this point where we actually have a pick in the first round, so we are all surely on edge. We at least have reasons to stay locked into twitter, and to be refreshing all basketball news outlets looking for a clue as to what Demps will do. It’s hard to gauge who he covets the most in this draft, but rest assured, "Cash Considerations" likely sits very high on his Big Board.
Without a first last year, Dell and the Pels watched as Cash Considerations slid all the way down into the second round. Those considerations helped pay for a 10-day contract for Jimmer Fredette so…...TOTAL SCORE!!!! However, armed with two high second round picks this year, Dell can swoop in like an actual pelican and fill his gullet with nearly $3,000,000. That’s a ton of upside. Dell knows that the game of drafting a twenty year-old or a teenager to win now is rigged for GMs on the hot seat, so he’s taking a cue from Marla Daniels, "The game is rigged, but you cannot lose if you do not play." LeBron is touted as the King, but we all know, "Cash Rules Everything Around Me."
Cash is the Real King:
Here’s a running tab of how Cash Considerations can work for the 2016-2017 New Orleans Pelicans:
Dell should immediately file for two temporary restraining orders to keep Ryan Anderson and Eric Gordon away from him for the entirety of free agency. He has a sunken cost problem, and needs police protection from his own addictions. According to a quick Google search a restraining order costs anywhere from $100-$400 to file. Let’s assume it’s $400 each for both players, that’s a steal at $800 to erase past tendencies.
In the UK there is a service called, Extreme Kidnapping where you can pay just $1,500 to be kidnapped and tortured. Dell could do this to himself for the 2017 draft to make sure he doesn’t come away with more cash, or worse a trade that gets us the equivalent of Jerryd Bayless again. I wanted to look deep into the dark corners of the internet to see what an actual kidnapping would cost, but didn’t want to start an investigation that would would ruin my sister’s career — she’s a diplomat. However, let me get all O.J. and say what if I did do it and what if I found that you could hire people to abduct a NBA player for $1,000,000. Dell could then eliminate another sunken cost on the cheap by sending Omer Asik on a little getaway. I first need to see what the cap relief is if a player were being held for ransom in an undisclosed location, but I’m pretty sure Omer would no longer take up a roster spot or count against the cap in such a scenario.
The Pelicans would be wise to invest in some real estate. They could buy up a couple of properties to turn into AirBNBs in order to house the 10-day contract guys they’ll post All-Star break to fill in for the multiple injuries we will likely be dealing with. As an added bonus these short-term rentals will raise property values driving out the culture and backbone of the community by bringing in richer folks with money to spend on season tickets. Here’s two properties they should start with:
We all want a food show hosted by Kendrick Perkins, right? Dell can invest in this kind of project with all these funds lying around. He can even license the Descendents track, "I Like Food" for the theme song.
Licensing fees can range from $1-$250,000, but considering the Descendents are DIY punk legends let’s beg this at around $2,000 with $50,000 going towards production costs of the, "Eating with Kendrick" pilot episode — $20,000 of that goes towards the Twinkies.
The Pelicans could use an upgrade in their pregame fan festivities. I went to the first ever New Orleans Pelicans’ home game (I also went the first ever New Orleans Hornets’ home game) and was a little uninspired by the events outside of the arena. Weirdly, no one wanted to be cornholed:
For just $100,000 the Pelicans should be able to hire a celebrity party planner — like someone from my Super Sweet 16 — to fix this dire situation.
I have a degree in Visual Communications, which makes it really hard to buy the trash looking merchandise the team has for sale. Dell should invest in a new design team and make a $30 t-shirt that the people actually WANT to wear and not just SETTLE for because they want to support their team. Things are so bad that this may take a huge investment — maybe another $150,000 to start, but I’d at least sell them this t-shirt design I did for 25% off of my season tickets or a club upgrade:
Barf bags for every seat. This helps for when you are watching our defensive rotations or Asik catching a pass, but it is mainly due to the time that I got food poisoning from the Fowl Line.
For just $39.99, Dell can bring in the wisdom of Gregg Popovich to radically improve this roster and staff’s basketball IQ. The internet has it for sale right here: Click the link, Dell. Just click the link.
Danny Ferry brings in a solid track record of drafting talent. Demps needs to show a great deal of gratitude for possibly saving his job by giving Ferry a gift that will maybe help Ferry get another one in the near future. New Orleans is known for it’s antique stores, second-hand shops and garage sales. Dell could strike gold at a garage sale (he is king of the dumpster dive) like I did and turn $1 into the perfect gift for Danny:
When all of these best laid plans blow up in his face, Dell can take the rest of the money and invest it in a sweet ass tour bus to assemble a super AAU team of 25-year-old young veterans with Edward Smith (Thon Maker’s guardian) to tour the country with. I like this one:
Money well spent, right?!