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A Pelicans Festivus for the Rest of Us

I got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about it.

We here at The Bird Writes love the holiday season. It’s true, we do. This time of year is about family, good will and loving one another because we’re all we’ve got.

This time of year’s also overtly commercial. The true meaning of the season gets lost in the things we buy rather than who we’re buying them for. That’s why we have Festivus.

A Festivus for the rest of us, today we bust out our Festivus poles from the crawl space and air our grievances. Ever since the Pelicans made the postseason in 2015, the past two years have been filled with nothing but disappointment. Injuries, questionable free agent signings, a change in the coaching staff and a lack of change in the front office has all led to a severely downtrodden Pelican fanbase.

This is exactly why we need Festivus. Once a year we need a day to just get it all out, and I mean that in a talk about things way not a murder everyone Purge way. Especially for sports where one year you’re a trendy team on the rise coming off a playoff appearance and the next you’re in the lottery because life came at you fast.

Gather round, y’all. I’m going to tell you all exactly how the Pelicans have disappointed me this year.

Alvin Gentry

Coach Gentry has been an absolute bust in his two years as coach of the Pelicans. His record as coach of New Orleans, 40-73, is atrocious and yet that doesn’t even begin to properly describe how much of an abomination this era has been. Era more like error amirite. Gentry trying to maximize his lineups is basically the same thing as kids banging together action figures.

His Pelicans are 11 games under .500, because that’s what Gentry teams do except for that one time he got lucky with Phoenix and rode Mike D’antoni’s coattails to a Western Conference Finals appearance. Alivn Gentry’s won 45 percent of his games as an NBA coach and that’s including his one, count ‘em, one, winning season. A supposed offensive wiz, his Pelicans are currently 20th in points and 24th in offensive rating. I wish I could be known for something, not actually do it and still keep my job — I bet it must be nice having that kind of job security.

Dell Demps

When the Golden State Warriors won the 2015 NBA Finals, we all saw the video of Alvin Gentry being showered by champagne proclaiming “AD!!!! WE’RE GONNA BE HERE NEXT YEAR!!!!” That, obviously, did not happen and I can only imagine it took that kind of drunken stupor from Demps to hire Gentry in the first place.

Demps has such a lack of understanding for building a roster. Misguided might be a better word choice. Trading away future assets for established veterans sounds good on paper, but what happens when those moves flop and you’ve got no draft picks, expiring deals or cap space? You’re devoid of a future. Demps is like Kaiba from Yugioh: you can have all the strong cards you want, but until you believe in the heart of the cards you won’t get it right.

Demps makes signings like he’s in debt to a loan shark, but to get out of debt from that loan shark, he takes out a loan from a different loan shark. I want to play blackjack with Dell, I bet he hits on 17 every time.

Tyreke Evans

I’m going to start calling Tyreke Evans’ knees Talladgea because much like the famed NASCAR track, it’s only a matter of time until the big wreck happens and his knees pop like balloons soaked in liquid nitrogen. The fact that he hasn’t lost his legs like Lieutenant Dan is nothing short of a miracle.

Omer Asik

I’m not saying Omer Asik is a bad shooter, I’m just saying if Omer Asik lived in Cincinnati Harambe would still be alive. But hey, anytime you have a chance to re-sign a center who skill set doesn’t fit in with the modern NBA, you have to do it. Fortunately New Orleans has a renowned World War II museum, and they could always stand to add relics that were useful 60 years ago. The Pelicans may as well have invested in horse drawn carriages and Blockbuster — its the same damn difference as paying Omer Asik $44 million.

Alexis Ajinca

The Pelicans also have Alexis Ajinca on the roster. Sure, why not. Because what’s better than having one center that doesn’t help your team? TWO centers who don’t help your team. France has produced quality NBA talent in recent years. Tony Parker, Nicolas Batum, and Rudy Gobert are names that come to mind. And New Orleans has Ajinca. Great. That’s like getting to pick in a Destiny’s Child draft, but Beyonce and Kelly Rowland are off the board. What’s even the point?

Solomon Hill

You know what, I’m not even mad at Solomon Hill. It’s not his fault he’s a role player at best being paid like a legit starter in the league. A career 6-point, 3-rebound guy, Hill is vastly overpaid and that’s Dell Demps’ fault. Remember that Office episode where Pam joins Michael’s startup paper company and it’s a bust, but she knew all along it was going to flop?

“When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree you don’t blame the child. He didn’t know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said ‘Drive kid. I trust you.’”

Don’t blame Solomon Hill for being Solomon Hill. Blame Dell Demps for not knowing who Solomon Hill is.

Solomon Hill made one good play all season long and it doesn’t count because of the person I have the most grievances with for this year:

Marcus Smart

This guy. If anyone needs me, I’ll be wrestling with Marcus Smart in the Feats of Strength.