The NBA playoff matchups are set.
Wednesday night the Brooklyn Nets were ever so kind as to accept the East's 8th seed, which is better known as the "Somebody?...Anybody...?" Prize. While the bottom feeding scrubs in the East were tripping over themselves to get #BEATEMDOWN-ed by the Hawks, the bloodbath that was the Western Conference playoff race finally resolved itself, leaving in its wake a post-apocalyptic wasteland you'd expect to see in a Mad Max movie. A film franchise that I have never actually seen before. I've got some nerve. Where do I get off referencing stuff I'm not familiar with?
Anywho, the only downside to the playoffs starting is that we only have about two months of NBA action left before those humorless, fun-hating ninnies known as "baseball players" have the spotlight all to themselves. Not wizard. That's a small price to pay though because sure the NBA's regular season is fun, but the playoffs? Man that's a whole new level of fun. Playoff basketball is like monkeys reenacting T-2: Judgement Day fun.
I started thinking about the non-hoop junkie basketball fans. Yes, they really do exist. They're not myths like centaurs or active sessions of Congress. What are the casual fans of playoff teams thinking as we enter the NBA's second season? What if they were so disengaged they actually have no clue their team made it?
So the idea is this: if a fan from all the 16 playoff teams pulled a Rick Grimes and awoke from a coma where they enter a world that's totally unrecognizable from the one they left, what would they think as they saw the standings for the first time?
1. Golden State Warriors- "So you're telling me they're statistically the number one offensive and defensive team in basketball? And I've got the odds on favorite MVP on my team? Hell, give me $50 on the Dubs."
2. Houston Rockets- "Derrick, are we the most disrespected two seed ever?"
"Oh no, please don't start being hyperbolic."
No, no no, hear me out. We have the real MVP, not that chump, Curry. You know you can't spell 'Steph Curry' without 'chump' right?"
"Jason...there's still the U and the M..."
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT, DERRICK GEEZ IF YOU LOVE STEPH SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HIM?? God if it wasn't for your Wii U I don't know why I'd even bother coming over."
"That hurts, man"
4. Portland Trail Blazers- "Oh my God Z-Bo's coming to Portland. He's going to end up fighting someone isn't he?"
5. Memphis Grizzlies- "Oh my God Z-Bo's going to Portland. He's going to end up fighting someone isn't he?"
6. San Antonio Spurs- "Oh they made the playoffs again? Splendid, I take it they won 50 games yes? Tremendous. I'm so glad I don't know what a non-playoff team looks like. I bet it's really depressing."
7. Dallas Mavericks- "I don't get why we aren't better. We've got Dirk, Chandler, Rondo, Parsons, Ellis and Rick Carlisle as our coach and we couldn't finish higher than 7th? What gives? This is the second biggest unsolved mystery to take place in Dallas."
8. New Orleans Pelicans- "We got in??? HA! As if I needed another reason to party. This is like second Mardi Gras! Awe man, remember just how ca-razy Mardi Gras was this year? Scooter upchucked after putting down one too many Bazooka Joes. Good times, good times."
1. Atlanta Hawks- "Look I really like this team. I do. But I've seen the Braves win 14 straight division titles and only get one World Series out of it, and the Falcons...well they're the Falcons. What I'm saying is I know how the whole 'postseason' thing goes for Atlanta pro sports and I ain't falling for it this time. Oh what the hell, GO HAWKS."
2. Cleveland Cavaliers- "I really hope God stops hating Cleveland."
3. Chicago Bulls- "Rose got hurt? Yeah I know, I was there last time he g-wait he got hurt again??? Oh come on! What did I do to deserve this? This could've been a really good team, man. Whatever, at least we have the Blackhawks."
4. Toronto Raptors- "I'm conflicted. On the one hand this is the best we've been in a long time. But if the cost of success means we have Drake reminding everyone he's a son of our people, is it really worth it?"
5. Washington Wizards- "Mikey! What happened to the Wiz??? I thought we were a shoo-in for at least the three seed before I went under! What in God's name happened???"
"You already know, Marty..."
"Oh no...you don't mean...Wittman?"
*Mikey nods solemnly
6. Milwaukee Bucks- "What a time to be a fan of all things Wisconsin basketball related! First the Badgers got to the championship game, now the Bucks are in the playoffs? This is the best Spring ever!"
7. Boston Celtics- "Yes hi, White House? Where do I go to nominate Brad Stevens for president?"
"Wait a minute I recognize that voice...is this Bill Simmons?"
"Whaaaaat? No this is, uhh...Sill Bimmons"
*hangs up immediately
8. Brooklyn Nets- "Oh we're in? Oh. Umm...cool I guess you can't win the title without making the playoffs but...are we sure we don't want to be a lottery team? I mean, I know we probably weren't going to win it but what if something stupid happened and we did? Is that slim chance worth getting at most one playoff win? I don't know brah, I feel like we have a better chance of winning the lottery than the title."