The other day, I got to cross off one of the most highly anticipated items on my "bucket list": walking out of a theater, mid-film. (Others include "finishing the entire thing of milk before the expiration date" and, actually, that's my entire "bucket list.")
Anyways, my advice to you is, if you haven't done it, DO IT. The look on the surrounding dimly lit faces when they begin to comprehend the full enormity of the situation - that you, in fact, are bidding adieu to your hard earned "dollar dollar bills" in a fiery show of the true potency of human spirit, and the refusal to submit to "the man" (a.k.a. Ryan Reynolds) - is priceless.
The film, if you must know, was The Green Lantern. Now look, I understand that movies very often slaughter the original intentions of the literary works they so shamelessly rip off. The Godfather, Hannah Montana: The Movie.. need I say more. (No). But the problems, and they are immeasurable, with The Green Lantern stretch far beyond the dialogue that a five year old Delonte West could have babbled in his sleep, the wildly disjointed computer animations that wouldn't have made the cut for 1959's Plan 9 from Outer Space, and the Reynolds-Lively relationship that makes Portman and Christensen look like Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson.
No, all these things aside, the basic premise of the "Green Lantern" is just ridiculous. In a nutshell, Mr. Lantern, neé Hal Jordan, is a human that is selected to become one of many "Green Lanterns" who protect various regions of space from flying octopus shaped monsters tinged a radioactive shade of yellow. Mostly, this necessitates that they become green a lot and convey this bodily greenness to various, typically non-green, objects around them. Complicating matters is the fact that not only does each "sector" get its own Lantern, the Lanterns cycle through at various intervals. This is essentially the same thing as a random person turning into Spiderman every couple years, making Green Lantern the cosmic superhero equivalent of jury duty.
I ran across this (rather intense) slideshow of David West rehab images this morning. And it reminded me of the Green Lantern for some reason, and by "some reason," I mean because David West isn't entirely dissimilar to the Green Lantern, physique-wise, and, more importantly, because of his name.
I mean, think about it. David West. Da. Vid. West. If you repeat it in monotone for a few seconds, as I have, it starts to sound pedestrian to the point of hilarity. David West? If your name is David West, the odds are exceedingly good you own a cape.