The NBA has officially contracted, according to sources extremely close to the situation.
Sources very close to the situation have revealed that the NBA has officially contracted.
"I grew tired of phoning the referees and telling them to blow calls against stupid teams like the New Orleans Hornets or the Minnesota Timberwolves, so that my big market teams can win the games they are supposed to win. It was becoming such a hassle," said David Stern, NBA Commissioner, according to a source who says he's Stern's drinking buddy. "Besides, it was starting to look like the Spurs were going to make the Finals again. O-M-G, who wants to see that?"
The contraction won't be official until after the Carmelo Anthony trade, which has reportedly gone through, according to sources. "I was waiting until Carmelo joined a real team," said Stern according to his drinking friend.
The league will be divided into one conference. Teams will continue their 82-game schedule for revenue purposes, and the playoffs will still consist of best-of-7 series. With there being an odd number of teams, Stern has determined that the Lakers are exempt from the playoffs, and that the winner of the first two rounds of playoffs will always face the Lakers in the NBA Finals.
"Sometimes I may default the Celtics as automatically in the Finals. I hope that most of the time it ends up being Lakers vs. Celtics," said Stern, according to a source.
The NBA D-League has been downgraded to the NBA F-League in order to make room for a new NBA D-League:
"I hope to one day make it to the NBA and play for a real coach like Erik Spoelstra. And to also play along with really good basketball players like Kobe and Zydrunas," said NBA-hopeful Derron Williams of the NBA D-League Utah Jazz., according to a team representative close to Williams. "I want to play in an arena full of Spike Lees and the such, not Mormons. It's sooooo boring here in Utah."
Stern has dismantled the Oklahoma City Thunder due to player boredom, and the NBA will redraft OKC's players. Stern says, "Players like Durant and Westbrook are too good to waste in such a snoozer of a city... or state for that matter. Where are they going to club on the weekend? No clubs in OKC are cool to tweet or facebook about. And I'll give Seattle their team back so they can shut up."
Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets said, "If I keep working hard and making commercials, I hope that'll help me one day play for the Lakers. L.A. doesn't have a football team to distract fans from watching me play."
According to a source close to Chris Paul, Paul also said, "It would be a dream come true to play in the NBA... I mean, oops, I should correct myself, since the league is changing its name to the Kia National Basketball Association. It would be a dream come true to play in the Kia NBA."